


hurts like hell

by mackaronidaddy



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 17:50:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16351289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mackaronidaddy/pseuds/mackaronidaddy
Summary: breakups hurt like hell.





	hurts like hell

**Author's Note:**

> i was sad so i came up with a cliche plot to write so i can make myself cry, and now im sharing it in hopes it'll make you cry!

"aren't you going to say something?"

deadly silence. it was as if the birds chirping and leaves rustling stopped. stopped to hear what he'd say. and yes, yes xukun does know that he should say something, but he isn't sure what. so many emotions are fighting over him right now. anger at himself over the fact that he made zhengting upset, regret over him telling zhengting they need to break up, hurt that zhengting is looking at him with eyes full of hatred, and above all, panic. panic and disbelief that the one he once absolutely loved, adored, the one he was so, so proud to once call his is slipping right through his fingers and he can't doing anything about it.

"aren't you even going to cry?"

zhengting shouts in disbelief, watching xukun just stand there, seemingly numb and eyes full of nothing. xukun only wishes he could see that his eyes are full of everything, maybe too much of everything, that it's clouding him over and now it just looks dull. lifeless. zhengting has tears streaming down his face. marking his porcelain skin and unbelievably smooth cheeks with tear streaks. he's choking over his own tears, eyes full of hurt and hatred yet still unable to forget that xukun was the one he loved, IS the one he loves and he can't seem to change that no matter how hard he tries.

"and i thought you loved me."

he does. xukun really does. he loves zhengting with all his heart, his soul, mind, body, strength, with his everything. it breaks him to see him like this, that he once made him so incredibly happy, tears streamed out of his eyes and now he's making zhengting do the same thing again, but this time it's out of sadness and anger . but he just knows, he can't keep this up, not with knowing that it'll hurt zhengting more than it does now. it hurts the both of them now, and maybe he'll have to live the rest of his life regretting this decision, but at least he knows zhengting will be happy later on. so with this in mind, he bares zhengting's screaming. he bares zhengting's cries and insults. he bares seeing the love of his life break right in front of him. he bares it not because he wants to, but because he has to, for zhengting. so he closes his eyes, all the tears finally breaking away, going down his cheek and dripping off his jaw. 

"don't you dare close your eyes on me!

coward. that's all you are. a fucking coward!" 

xukun flinches away from zhengting and yes, he knows, he's absolutely a coward. he's scared of so many things, especially right now. he's scared of losing zhengting, although he knows it's for his own good. and he so, so desperately wishes he could tell zhengting but he can't. maybe it's selfish, but he can't, won't, imagine zhengting's reaction. how hard he'll cry and how loud he'll scream. he knows zhengting would stay with him forever and through whatever, but this is exactly why he's doing this. he doesn't want zhengting to stay only to have his heart shattered a few months later. 

so xukun hugs him. xukun hugs zhengting tight, for the last time he holds zhengting in his arm. for the last time he breathes in zhengting's perfume, he tries to ingrain them all in his brain, how he feels in his arms and how he breathes, how he smiles and how he laughs, how he cries and how he screams. because he knows it's for the last time. 

"can't you at least tell me the reason why you're breaking up with me?" 

zhengting breathes into xukun's neck, already missing his hugs. he knows he's shaking and that xukun can definitely feel him shake, but he's surprised to feel xukun's shaking too. surprised that when he looks into xukun's eyes he sees fear, regret, remorse, hatred, panic, he sees so many things and he realises. he realises that xukun still loves him, and that in no way would xukun break up with him just on a whim, he knows it's something serious and the fact that xukun's not telling him, his best friend, now ex-boyfriend, the person who said he was the one he trusts the most, isn't telling him something this big. 

so zhengting stays in xukun's arm for just one more moment, one more moment he knows he'll remember forever, the moment both full of love and hatred, before he pushes xukun off of him and wipes his tears, already looking back at xukun with a glare.

"tell me!" 

xukun feels zhengting shake him, glassy eyes red and nose swollen, tear streaks still on his face. xukun shakes his head and grabs his face, already wiping off the streaks and gently stroking his head, trying to get him back in a hug, but zhengting steps backwards. 

"xukun, i deserve to know."

and xukun knows this, zhengting does deserve to know, but he just can't bring himself to tell him, he can't bring himself to possibly hurt zhengting and break his heart like that. he knows he has to but his voice just isn't loud enough to. he isn't brave enough to actually say it out loud, to the one he truly loves and will be the one impacted the most. so he bring zhengting closer and whispers an 'i'm sorry' into his ears and hands him an envelope. 

zhengting tears it open only to find a medical report, diagnosing patient Cai Xukun. he didn't understand a lot of the phrases but it was stated clearly at the bottom, that xukun was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, dated nine months ago. he drops the paper to the ground and ran to xukun, eyes full of tears but this time expressing pity and remorse. he hugs him, holds him tighter than he ever had, and sobs into his shoulder, wetting xukun's white t-shirt. 

"oh my god.. why didn't you tell me earlier?" 

"i can't zhengting, i can't. doctors say i'm dying in three months. i still have to leave you, it's better if i do it now, i can't make you go through this." 

the first time xukun said something since he proposed the idea of breaking up, and zhengting's heart shatters hearing his voice. it was hoarse, strained, choked in and full of tears. he couldn't bare hearing him like this, couldn't bare thinking that xukun would leave him to avoid hurting him. 

"no, xukun. i'm not leaving you, i'm with you all the way, please." 

and xukun's heart shatters hearing what he knew zhengting was gonna say, knowing that zhengting would let himself go through heartbreak rather than let xukun go through this alone. but he knows that he can't let zhengting do that, he can't let him watch him die. he knows zhengting would hide it, but he would be in so much pain for the last three months, watching the love of his life die right in front of his eyes. so no, he won't let zhengting stay, no matter what. 

"no, zhengting. i'm sorry. i have to leave. 

go, find someone alive worth living for." 

with that, xukun walks away into the night, away from zhengting until he's just a blurry silhouette, far, far too far away from zhengting. not once did he look back and not once did zhengting stop crying. he couldn't chase after him, he felt numb, legs too weak, only regretting after that thinking maybe he should've ran.

**Author's Note:**

> anyways, thanks for reading and if you ever wanna talk, hmu on twitter @mackaronidaddy


End file.
